A few years into his career, Parker J. Palmer found himself adrift. He cites Dante's words at the beginning of The Divine Comedy to capture his place at that time: "Midway on our life's journey, I found myself in dark woods, the right road lost." He went through some difficult days of depression, but he received the treatment and support he needed and found his way through it.
This resonated with me because the issues that led to his problem are common to people my age. Palmer explains that over time, we tend to burn out and lose authenticity. We tend to lose our way and our purpose. The epigraph for the book, lines by Leonard Cohen, sums up the issue:
The blizzard of the world
has crossed the threshold
and it has overturned
the order of the soul.
This loss of purpose resonates with many people like me. We know that we have to find a way to get all the work done, to somehow pay the bills, to somehow keep the people in our lives happy (or at least not actively ticked off at us) when they don't understand, and to just keep on keeping on. And it's not easy.
Here are some of the points I appreciated in the book.
- We need renewal. Over time, "we become separated from our own souls. We end of living divided lives, so far removed from the truth we hold within that we cannot know 'the integrity that comes from being what you are.'" This results from burnout from a career, from difficult relationships, and from life.
- Somehow, we need to find time to reflect on our lives, and specifically our souls. Parker Palmer runs conferences for teachers and other professionals, and he explains, in this book, group exercises that he uses to help people reflect on what is driving them. He tells a lot of stories of people who discover important things about themselves--motivations, or fears, or whatever--that result from these reflections.
It takes time to know our deepest values, beliefs, and motives. But in today's culture, we just don't have time. I don't have time. Reading this book on my Christmas break was very refreshing, and I was encouraged to try to take more time to reflect on my own life.
- Good discussion with others can be therapeutic. As a teacher myself, I was fascinated by Palmer's concepts of the circles of trust. Just talking through an issue with people who don't judge, who just let you talk, can help you find your way. Palmer uses these discussion circles to help people learn from each other, but more importantly, to learn from themselves, to let their souls emerge in a non-judgmental group of colleagues. I want to integrate circles like this into my classes.
- The journey toward an undivided life is essential. Palmer wants people to learn to live out who they really are; to be authentic and real with others at work, at home, at church, and in society. He explains that we tend to hide who we really are because of fear. We have pressure to put a face on from people higher up the chain, or from people who we fear won't accept us as we really are. So we are often not fully true to our values. Palmer says that we each need to figure out what is truly important, what is truly good, and align our lives with that and live it out.
- Agendas to "fix" other people tend to shut them down. Parker reminds us that our souls are shy, and that when we feel someone has an agenda to "fix" us, we clam up. I know that I have developed, over the years, a deep reticence to even talk to people that (I sense) want to fix me. There are people that, to this day, I tend to avoid because, maybe even years ago, they tried to set me straight theologically or in some other way. This uninvited invasion doesn't work unless the person deeply trusts the other. And that trust isn't built up in a day, or by corporate mandate.
For me, trust builds only when the person I interact with doesn't make me feel disapproved, judged, or manipulated. I don't feel at ease with someone who seems to have an agenda of fixing me. I already know I need to be fixed. I can use a person's prayers a lot more than I can use his or her attempts at setting me straight. - I need to learn to listen. Palmer describes group exercises that he conducts that are about helping people listen. Our true souls emerge in conversation only when we sense we are not being manipulated, judged, or given an agenda for the conversation. I must learn to listen authentically, and not listen with an agenda of "fixing, saving, advising, and setting each other straight." Only when I do that do I invite the other person's true soul to emerge.
Palmer reminds us that so much of our interaction with others is not truly authentic. We often adjust our opinions, message, etc., based on the subtle body language we receive, positive or negative; and so we often tell others what we think they want to hear, not what we truly, truly believe. Palmer's circles of trust are designed to let people's souls emerge, and that only happens in conversations that involve no agenda to give advice or fix others.
- The soul of every individual is a beautiful, precious thing. Every single person we know has inherent dignity, and whenever we insult, disrespect or ridicule another person, we are committing an immoral act, an act of spiritual violence. I want to live a life where I never speak or act toward another person with shame or unkindness. I'm reminded of the saying, "To know all is to forgive all."
