People are our favorite idol. . . . We worship them as ones who have God-like exposing gazes (shame-fear) or God-like ability to "fill" us with esteem, love, admiration, acceptance, respect, and other psychological desires (rejection-fear). . . . 

What is the result of this people-idolatry? As in all idolatry, the idol . . . soon owns us. The [people] we fear [overcome] us. Although insignificant in itself, the idol becomes huge and rules us. It tells us how to think, what to feel, and how to act. It tells us what to wear, it tells us to laugh at the dirty joke, and it tells us to be frightened to death that we might have to get up in front of a group and say something. The whole strategy backfires. We never expect that using people to meet our desires leaves us enslaved to them.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

Paul was not a people-pleaser. He was a people-lover, and because of that he did not change his message according to what others might think. Only people-lovers are able to confront. Only people-lovers are not controlled by other people. Paul even indicated to the Galatians that if he were still trying to please men, he would not be a servant of God (Gal. 1:10). That is how seriously he took the fear of man.

Not that this came naturally. Paul had the same fleshly instincts we do, and he knew it. As a result, he beseeched the churches to pray for him.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel.... Pray that I may declare if fearlessly, as I should. (Eph. 6:19-20)

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

The most common reason we are controlled by other people [is that] they can reject, ridicule, or despise us (rejection-fear). They don't invite us to the party. They ignore us. They don't like us. They aren't pleased with us. They withhold the acceptance, love, or significance we want from them. As a result, we feel worthless.

[Examples of people in the Bible who struggled with this fear include King Saul (1 Sam. 15) and the Pharisees (John 8:45-50, John 12:42-43)].

The praise of others--that wisp of a breeze that lasts for a moment--can seem more glorious than the praise of God. Jesus himself told the Jewish leaders, "How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" (John 5:44).

Today we would be nice and call the Pharisees people-pleasers. We would say they "struggled with peer pressure." Since all of us are affected by it at one time or another, we are almost sympathetic toward such behavior. But this is perhaps the most tragic form of the fear of man. Teenagers are constantly making unwise decisions because of it. Adults, too, look to people for their cues. We wait for others to take initiatives of love We spend too much time wondering what others may have thought about our outfit or the comment we made in the small group meeting. We see opportunities to testify about Christ, but we avoid them. We are more concerned about looking stupid (a fear of people) than we are about acting sinfully (fear of the Lord).

Jesus stood in stark contrast to this Pharasaic concern. He did not show favoritism; instead, he reached out to male and female, rich and poor, and all races and ages. His teaching was not done by first taking a poll of what was popular. Instead, he spoke truth that was often unpopular but could penetrate the heart. "I do not accept praise from men," he said. . . . It was part of Jesus' teaching with authority, and it was one of the features that distinguished his ministry from that of all the other Jewish leaders.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

God has an answer to this fear [of man]. ... The gospel is the story of God covering his naked enemies, bringing them to the wedding feast, and then marrying them rather than crushing them. King David, knowing about this coming good news, said, "O Lord, you have searched me, and you know me" (Ps. 139:1). God's gaze--a curse to those who were naked--was to him a blessing. It is a protection for those who have had their guilt atoned for and their sins covered.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

Putting on our [psychological] masks is a regular part of our morning ritual, just like brushing our teeth and eating breakfast. The masquerade, however, is anything but festive. Underneath the masks are people who are terrified that there will be an unveling. And, indeed, the masks and other coverings will one day be removed. There will be an eternal unveiling. But it is not so much the eyes of other people that we ought to fear. . . . If the gaze of man awakens fear in us, how much more so the gaze of God. ...

Fear of people is often a more conscious version of being afraid of God. That is, we are more conscious of our fear of others than our fear of God. Granted, fear of others is a real phenomenon. We really are afraid of the thoughts, opinions, and actions of other people. But under that we hide as best we can the more desparate fear of God. ...

When Christ returns, those who are [exposed] will prefer being covered by the boulders of Jerusalem's mountains to being exposed before the holy gaze of God.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

[Before Adam and Eve sinned] there is every reason to believe that, in their state of innocence, they looked admiringly on the physical appearance of the other. But [once they sinned,] this look was different. It could see a deeper nakedness, or at least the one being observed felt more exposed. The eyes of the other person became piercing lights, seeing body and soul, seeing the ugliness of sin. The feeling of being exposed, once completely foreign, was now the only thing they felt. They were seen by the other, and what was now seen was shameful. Once admirable in their innocence and beauty, their souls were now grotesque.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

If needing or fearing people is as universal a problem as it seems, then we would expect Scripture to be filled with rich descriptions and in-depth teaching about it. And that is exactly what we find. One of the Bible's dominant questions is, "Whom will you fear (need, be controlled by)? Will you fear God or people? Scripture gives three basic reasons why we fear other people ... [:]

1. We fear people because they can expose and humiliate us.
2. We fear people because they can reject, ridicule, or despise us.
3. We fear people because they can attack, oppress, or threaten us.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

Regarding other people, our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them (for the glory of God). The task God sets for us is to need them less and love them more. Instead of looking for ways to manipulate others, we will ask God what our duty is toward them [or, I would say, how to love them more].

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

[Christian psychologists wrongly claimed] that a better treatment for codependency is to know .. that God loves you more than you think. God can fill you with love, so you don't have to be filled by other people.

... But ... even this answer is incomplete. The love of God can be a profound answer to just about any human struggle, but sometimes ... it becomes a watered down verstion of a profoundly rich truth. For example, ... this answer misses the call to "consider others better than yourselves," or it ignores personal repentance. Sometimes it still  allows us and our needs to be at the center of the world, and God becomes our psychic errand boy given the taks of inflating our self-esteem. ...

Instead of "How can feel better about myself and not be controlled by what people think?" a better question is "Why am I so concerned about self-esteem?" or "Why do I have to have someone--even Jesus--think that I am great?" ...

The most radical treatment for the fear of man is the fear of the Lord. God must be bigger to you than people are.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

Many of the people I've talked to ... saw the controlling power of other people. They awoke to an epidemic of the soul called, in biblical language, "the fear of man." ...

However you put it, the fear of man can be summarized this way: we replace God with people. Instead of a biblically guided fear of the Lord, we fear others.

Of course, the "fear of man" goes by other names. When we are in our teens, it is called "peer pressure." When we are older, it is called "people-pleasing." ...

"Peer pressure" may be submerged and revealed in more adult ways, or it may be camoflouged by your impressive resume (your perceived successes).

Are you over-committed? Do you find that it is hard to say no even when wisdom indicates that you should? [If so,] you are a "people-pleaser," another euphemism for the fear of man.

Do you "need" [affirmation, etc.] from your spouse? . . . For many people, the desire for these things has roots in something that is far from God's design for his image-bearers. . . . [A] spouse [can] quietly take the place of God in your life.

Is self-esteem a critical concern for you? This ... is the most popular way that the fear of other people is expressed. If self-esteem is a recurring theme for you, chances are that your life revolves around what others think. You reverence or fear their opinions. You need them to buttress your sense of well-being and identity. You need them to fill you up.

Do you ever feel as if you might be exposed as an impostor? ... The sense of being exposed is an expression of the fear of man. It means that ... their possible opinion that you are a failure [controls] you.

Are you always second-guessing decisions because of what other people might think? Are you afraid of making mistakes that will make you look bad in other people's eyes?

Do you feel empty or meaningless? Do you experience "love hunger"? ...

Do you get easily embarrassed? If so, people and their perceived opinions probably define you. ...

Do you avoid people? If so, even though you might not say that you need people, you are still controlled by them. ...

Have you ever been too timid to share your faith in Christ because others might think you are an irrational fool? ...

Fear of man is such a part of our human fabric that we should check for a pulse if someone denies it.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

I have spoken with hundreds of people who ... are fairly sure that God loves them, but they also want or need love from other people--or at least they need something from other people. As a result, they are in bondage, controlled by others and feeling empty. They are controlled by whoever or whatever they believe can give them what they think they need.

It is true: what or who you need will control you.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

When I was first married, I knew that Jesus loved me, but I also wanted my new wife to be absolutely, forever smitten with me. I needed love from her. I could finally handle small amounts of rejecction from other people, but I felt paralyzed if I didn't have the love I needed from her. I needed unconditional love. If she didn't think I was a gret husband, I would be crushed. . . .

This led to [an] awakening. I suddenly realized that I had mutated into a walking love tank, a person who was empty inside and looking for a person to fill me. My bride was, indeed, gifted in being able to love, but no one could have possibly filled me. I think I was a love tank with a leak.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small

What a mess! I reflected. I live like a frightened kid. I am so controlled by what other people think or might possibly think. But that was about it. I didn't know where to go from there. . . . As far as I could tell, there was no way out. This was my life. Self-consciousness, being controlled by the opinions of others, or whatever it was called, could only be managed, not cured. . . . Every rejection, every perceived failure, every person I wanted to be noticed by who didn't notice me reminded me that I was still the kid sitting in the back of the high school auditorium.

Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small